Friday 4 December 2009

How to Write the How to, How to


1. Firstly, academics and the rest of the world might argue that it takes at least 10'000 hours to become an expert. They are wrong, you too can be an expert by simply googling the subject you have choosen for your blog and copying and pasting the results. If you really want to sound like you know what you are talking about, you can even use wikipedia.

Remember, you should spend at least a whole five minutes rewording what you have copied and pasted so that content is ORIGINAL. I often find copying the opening paragraph from one source and the second from another can speed this process up.

2. Next thing is KEYWORDS, these are vital so your blog appears high in the search engines above blogs that might be more informative than yours. You should try and bastardised the English language as much as possible to get those words into your posts. For example, lets say your choosen subject is Knitting and you are doing a post on Knitting needles; Here is the opening sentence from wikipedia

knitting needle or knitting pin is a tool in hand-knitting to produce knitted fabrics. They generally have a long shaft and taper at their end, but they are not nearly as sharp as sewing needles

That is not going to score high in the rankings at all,  try rephrasing it as follows

SEXY Knitting Needles of the SEO like Knitting Pins is a tool like your PENIS used in hand-knitting and CASINO's to produce knitted fabrics. They generally have a long shaft and tape at their end - perfect for MEETING SINGLE WOMEN, but they are not nearly as sharp as the VIAGRA Sewing needles.

3. Your parents and your teachers might have taught you that it is better to be a master at one trade than a 'Jack of All trades' - but how wrong were they ? Using the above two tips alone you can generate blog after blog about any subject you want. I run two hundred blogs which I update every day, that means I am an EXPERT in 200 subjects and I never even went to university!

4. I am now going to let you in on the three guaranteed secrets that will make your blog a real success.  I am not really, actually I just copied pasted three things at random from other blogs, but see what I did there by saying I was going to let you in on a secret ?

  1. Put a picture of someone with a pretty looking women or a person in an expensive car. Anything, as long as it says "sucess" on your site. No one has to know you are 37 live with your mum and a horrible failure in life, or that you are 17 and trying to raise money for college as you are too lazy to get a real job. 
  2. Use your 200 blogs to comment on your other blogs to generate instant traffic. You do not need to spend a lot of time on this; just copy paste the phrase "Great blog post, you really know about your subject" on all of them.  No one will ever notice that its the same person. This also works on twitter; set up as many twitter accounts as you can and invite people at random. Having a profile picture of a young sweedish girl with a cock in her mouth is a good idea. At every opportunity send out "Ive just read this great blog post" with a  link to your blog and hash it with as many keywords as you can, people really don't mind.
  3. Remember what I said about having two hundred blogs ? It would be crazy to think even with the copying pasting that I could populate that many blogs in one go. What I do is just substitue a few words here and there. Look how easily that knitting example is now about Neurosurgery
               
SEXY Surgery of the SEO like central nervous system is a discipline like your PENIS used in surgical intervention and CASINO's to operate on the brain. The brains generally have a long cerebal aneurysm - perfect for MEETING SINGLE WOMEN, but they are not nearly as sharp as the VIAGRA Cerebellum.

5. Occasionally people with slightly more brain cells than yourself will come along to your blog. THESE ARE THE TWO GUARANTEED methods that they won't pick up on the secrets I am telling you and will make you seem more of an expert.

  1. Choose a couple of people who through hard work and dedication have succedeed with great sucess in their fields and slip their names into your articles - this gives your posts a degree of authenticity and it also does npt hurt to occasionally drop in a celebrity or two now and then.
  2. Remember your target audience are as stupid as you. To stop them getting above their stations you need them to know that you are the all knowing. You can do this by feeding their ego's - remember to be subtle.

See how GREAT this sounds now ?

    SEXY Surgery done by Steve Jobs of the SEO like central nervous system is a discipline like your PENIS and that of Larry Pages  used in surgical intervention and CASINO's to operate on the brain. The brains generally have a long cerebal aneurysm - perfect for MEETING SINGLE WOMEN or indeed Lindsay Lohan, but they are not nearly as sharp as the VIAGRA Cerebellum, which I'm sure, you my reader understand because your are AWESOME.

6.  Your upbringing might have been a sad and lonely affair, but no one must find out. I've already mentioned about adding a successful picture to your blog, but also try and include bold statements in your posts and add throwaway comments of James Bond activites you dream of one day doing - but refer to them in the past tense.

7. The difference between the amateur and pro blogger, and by pro I mean have received at least one cheque from google, is the ability to keep the post clear and concise. One trick of the trade is to add a picture, for it is indeed true when they say it is worth a 1000 words. Think how much copy pasting that could save you- you are AWESOME!

8. Remember to use lists, everyone from prince to pauper loves a list. Lists make you AWESOME!!! You can never have enough lists.

9. People like gossip and even though you are writing a how to article, a little bit of slander or libel thown in can easily get you up the rankings.

10.
Finally, remember to use a title that not only gives a clear indication of what your post is about but also contains plenty of keywords.

This is how our blog post on Brain Surgery has turned out

HOW TO IMPRESS EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS WITH BRAIN SURGERY

SEXY Surgery done by Steve Jobs of the SEO like central nervous system is a discipline like your PENIS and that of Larry Pages used in surgical intervention. Whilst I was out on my Jet ski I came up with this list, for you my AWESOME readers


  1. Casting on
  2. Casting off (or binding off)
  3. Decrease
  4. Garter stitch
  5. Increase
  6. Knit stitch
  7. Purl stitch
  8. Slip stitch
  9. Stocking stitch
  10. Yarn over


This is the most AUTHORITIVE list to do with brain surgery man can come up with, and it was made by me. I AM EXPERT and LEGION.  Every CASINO and hospital across the world needs a list like this to operate on the brain. Talking of brains I heard that Obama wears womens underwear and his long cerebal aneurysm is not that long - which does not help if you are MEETING SINGLE WOMEN or indeed Lindsay Lohan who I met whilst skydiving in Paris. Here is a diagram.





 I am very sharp and VIAGRA and CEREBELLUM can be found in most places of the world that have SEX and the ability to purchase THAI BRIDES.

YOU ARE AWESOME


Come back next week, when I will show you how you can recycle your old posts by simply changing the order. I will be showing you how you can take a post on the subject of Brain surgery and turn it into an article on Knitting.

YOU ARE AWESOME!


by Guest Blogger Paul o'Shit , SEO Bollocker for Clog the Internet PLC.


3 comments:

  1. Great blog post, you really know about your subject.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great blog post, you really know about your subject.

    Viagra

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great blog post, you really know about your subject. Try http://www.TonyNoland.com for VIAGRA thoughts about writing, humor and CHEERLEADER wisdom.

    ReplyDelete

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