How to Jump on the iPad BandWagon

Hello my AWESOME readers, It's Guest Blogger Paul O'Shit, CEO of Clog The Internet PLC. Here once again, to tell you how to boost your site ratings, like a 50 year old with a weekend supply of VIAGRA in a CHEERLEADERS dressing room.

You know, I was at a school reunion the other day, and some of my former classmates, through hard-work and dedication, had found considerable success. One friend had a successful surgery, another a partner in a law firm, and another running a successful manufacturing business. After the reunion, I was thinking about their success, and you know what ? I have something much better than that, I have the illusion of success

Listen to me ranting away here, its time to get on with this month's SEO Advice. Today my awesome readers, I am going to tell you how, you can boost your website awesomeness by jumping on the bandwagon of the iPad.

If you have been following my advice so far, no doubt you have a blog/s over loaded with how to how to and how to state the bleeding obvious. Now, some of you more awesome readers (don't worry, if you keep reading my posts you will all become awesome) may be asking me, why I have waited for now to tell you about how to monetise on the back of the ipad and not two weeks ago. Well, that was to wait for the so called edited websites to get out of the way, I mean, who really wants to read engadget ?

Now onto, how you can turn the iPad into a success for YOU!

Firstly, you don't need to buy one, I am certantly not going to waste my money on what is essentially a high tech tea tray. You can say, you are an expert on the iPad. I will be opening up all my posts with the fact, that I have been using it for three years.

Before continuing, I would like to point out, I normally charge $900 for this kind of advice, but beacuse you are awesome. YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR FREE - but please, keep it a secret.

Remember where I said before, that if you have been following my advice you should have by now, blog/s overloaded with tedious crap ? well, take a look at my how to how to post, and now look at the below

How to Write the How to, How to for the iPad


1. Firstly if you are going to write a How to How to for the iPad, academics and the rest of the world might argue that it takes at least 10'000 hours to become an expert. They are wrong, you too can be an expert by simply googling the subject you have choosen for your blog and copying and pasting the results. This works especially well on the ipad. If you really want to sound like you know what you are talking about, you can even use wikipedia.


Remember, you should spend at least a whole five minutes rewording what you have copied and pasted so that content is ORIGINAL. iPad readers, love original content. I often find copying the opening paragraph from one source and the second from another can speed this process up.


2. Next thing is KEYWORDS, these are vital so your blog appears high on people searching the terms iPad.....

See what I am doing ? I am recycling all my old posts and dropping in the word iPad where I can. Look, heres the opening paragraph from the How to state the bleeding obvious post rewritten.

Hello, its Paul o'Shit here again on his iPaid, SEO Bollocker for Clog the Internet PLC. I hope you are looking at the picture on your iPad and thinking - gosh Im SEX in my new clothes, and how successful does that Jacket make me look!

The key thing is to just just randomly dig out your old posts, stick the word ipad in there every few lines and repost with iPad in the title. Don't worry about the danger of someone reconising the content, no one comes back to your blog anyway.

Keep thinking you are AWESOME!

Paul O'Shit
SEO Bollocker
Clog the Internet PLC

Ps. If anyone in the San Francisco area needs babysitting, grocery fetching, dog walking etc. please get in contact.

How to Make your 'State The Bleeding Obvious' articles better

Hello, its Paul o'Shit here again, SEO Bollocker for Clog the Internet PLC. I hope you are looking at the picture and thinking - gosh Im SEX in my new clothes, and how successful does that Jacket make me look!

Well, firstly you are AWESOME for noticing my new robes, more awesome than a van load of CHEERLEADERS and a week supply of VIAGRA.

After the popularity of my How to write the How to, How to. I thought I would share some of my more AWESOMENESS with you, because did I mention? YOU ARE AWESOME! By the time you have finished reading this article, you'll be even more AWESOME!

The following are 6 SEO secret tips on how to make your 'state the bloody obvious' articles more awesome:

• People love being told that they are on the internet. Before you even start the main bulk of your stating the obvious article, you may want to remind your readers of this fact. Try the following:
• Comprise a list of 10 signs that your readers are on the internet.
• Point out they are not reading this in a newspaper or watching it on television.
• Comment on how awesome they are for going on the internet and reading this post.
• I'm going to let you in on a secret here, possibly the most powerful way to get the bloody obvious across, is to pretend its a big secret in your ramblings and then reveal it at the end. Do not forget to comment on how your revelations will make your readers more AWESOME. Scorn on those who have already got it in the first sentence.
• Trust me when I say this, people love reading long lists, especially when you manage to repeat what you are saying again and again. Look how well this SEO expert managed to repeat herself an incredible 80 times ! The more tedious the better, if you want to be AWESOME in the field of stating the bloody obvious.
• Readers like having explained to them, that they are browsing the internet when reading articles. Try the following on yours, so your readers know you are AWESOME! 
• Pull together a list of signs that your reader may be on the internet.
• Note the fact that they are not reading this in traditional print, or watching it on the television box.
• Tell your readers they are awesome for managing to click on a link to your piece.
• There is a secret in the SEO world, that many SEO experts do not want you to know. But as you, my readers are awesome and only poo poo heads do not get this; It is to pretend the obvious is a big secret, and then reveal it at the end. Do not forget to remind how much more awesome your readers are afterwards. 
• The more you can repeat your bleeding obvious statements in one article the better. This SEO has set the bar at 80! - Remember to change a word here and there, and swap a sentence or two. Remember, the more tedious the post, the more awesome the post. 

You have been AWESOME for reading this.

Coming up next, How good content doesn't matter. Readers want Keywords, Keywords, Keywords.

Cheers


Paul O'Shit 
Clog the Internet PLC
(Paul o'Shit whilst making millions from his SEO advice, would like to ask for donations to help him buy this weeks groceries. Naturally, you will be awesome if you do donate) 

How to Write the How to, How to

1. Firstly, academics and the rest of the world might argue that it takes at least 10'000 hours to become an expert. They are wrong, you too can be an expert by simply googling the subject you have choosen for your blog and copying and pasting the results. If you really want to sound like you know what you are talking about, you can even use wikipedia.

Remember, you should spend at least a whole five minutes rewording what you have copied and pasted so that content is ORIGINAL. I often find copying the opening paragraph from one source and the second from another can speed this process up.

2. Next thing is KEYWORDS, these are vital so your blog appears high in the search engines above blogs that might be more informative than yours. You should try and bastardised the English language as much as possible to get those words into your posts. For example, lets say your choosen subject is Knitting and you are doing a post on Knitting needles; Here is the opening sentence from wikipedia

knitting needle or knitting pin is a tool in hand-knitting to produce knitted fabrics. They generally have a long shaft and taper at their end, but they are not nearly as sharp as sewing needles

That is not going to score high in the rankings at all,  try rephrasing it as follows

SEXY Knitting Needles of the SEO like Knitting Pins is a tool like your PENIS used in hand-knitting and CASINO's to produce knitted fabrics. They generally have a long shaft and tape at their end - perfect for MEETING SINGLE WOMEN, but they are not nearly as sharp as the VIAGRA Sewing needles.

3. Your parents and your teachers might have taught you that it is better to be a master at one trade than a 'Jack of All trades' - but how wrong were they ? Using the above two tips alone you can generate blog after blog about any subject you want. I run two hundred blogs which I update every day, that means I am an EXPERT in 200 subjects and I never even went to university!

4. I am now going to let you in on the three guaranteed secrets that will make your blog a real success.  I am not really, actually I just copied pasted three things at random from other blogs, but see what I did there by saying I was going to let you in on a secret ?

1. Put a picture of someone with a pretty looking women or a person in an expensive car. Anything, as long as it says "sucess" on your site. No one has to know you are 37 live with your mum and a horrible failure in life, or that you are 17 and trying to raise money for college as you are too lazy to get a real job. 
2. Use your 200 blogs to comment on your other blogs to generate instant traffic. You do not need to spend a lot of time on this; just copy paste the phrase "Great blog post, you really know about your subject" on all of them.  No one will ever notice that its the same person. This also works on twitter; set up as many twitter accounts as you can and invite people at random. Having a profile picture of a young sweedish girl with a cock in her mouth is a good idea. At every opportunity send out "Ive just read this great blog post" with a  link to your blog and hash it with as many keywords as you can, people really don't mind.
   
3. Remember what I said about having two hundred blogs ? It would be crazy to think even with the copying pasting that I could populate that many blogs in one go. What I do is just substitue a few words here and there. Look how easily that knitting example is now about Neurosurgery

               

SEXY Surgery of the SEO like central nervous system is a discipline like your PENIS used in surgical intervention and CASINO's to operate on the brain. The brains generally have a long cerebal aneurysm - perfect for MEETING SINGLE WOMEN, but they are not nearly as sharp as the VIAGRA Cerebellum.

5. Occasionally people with slightly more brain cells than yourself will come along to your blog. THESE ARE THE TWO GUARANTEED methods that they won't pick up on the secrets I am telling you and will make you seem more of an expert.

1. Choose a couple of people who through hard work and dedication have succedeed with great sucess in their fields and slip their names into your articles - this gives your posts a degree of authenticity and it also does npt hurt to occasionally drop in a celebrity or two now and then.
   
2. Remember your target audience are as stupid as you. To stop them getting above their stations you need them to know that you are the all knowing. You can do this by feeding their ego's - remember to be subtle.
   

See how GREAT this sounds now ?

    SEXY Surgery done by Steve Jobs of the SEO like central nervous system is a discipline like your PENIS and that of Larry Pages  used in surgical intervention and CASINO's to operate on the brain. The brains generally have a long cerebal aneurysm - perfect for MEETING SINGLE WOMEN or indeed Lindsay Lohan, but they are not nearly as sharp as the VIAGRA Cerebellum, which I'm sure, you my reader understand because your are AWESOME.

6.  Your upbringing might have been a sad and lonely affair, but no one must find out. I've already mentioned about adding a successful picture to your blog, but also try and include bold statements in your posts and add throwaway comments of James Bond activites you dream of one day doing - but refer to them in the past tense.

7. The difference between the amateur and pro blogger, and by pro I mean have received at least one cheque from google, is the ability to keep the post clear and concise. One trick of the trade is to add a picture, for it is indeed true when they say it is worth a 1000 words. Think how much copy pasting that could save you- you are AWESOME!

8. Remember to use lists, everyone from prince to pauper loves a list. Lists make you AWESOME!!! You can never have enough lists.

9. People like gossip and even though you are writing a how to article, a little bit of slander or libel thown in can easily get you up the rankings.

10. Finally, remember to use a title that not only gives a clear indication of what your post is about but also contains plenty of keywords.

This is how our blog post on Brain Surgery has turned out

HOW TO IMPRESS EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD LESBIAN CHEERLEADERS WITH BRAIN SURGERY

SEXY Surgery done by Steve Jobs of the SEO like central nervous system is a discipline like your PENIS and that of Larry Pages used in surgical intervention. Whilst I was out on my Jet ski I came up with this list, for you my AWESOME readers

1. Casting on
2. Casting off (or binding off)
3. Decrease
4. Garter stitch
5. Increase
6. Knit stitch
7. Purl stitch
8. Slip stitch
9. Stocking stitch
10. Yarn over

This is the most AUTHORITIVE list to do with brain surgery man can come up with, and it was made by me. I AM EXPERT and LEGION.  Every CASINO and hospital across the world needs a list like this to operate on the brain. Talking of brains I heard that Obama wears womens underwear and his long cerebal aneurysm is not that long - which does not help if you are MEETING SINGLE WOMEN or indeed Lindsay Lohan who I met whilst skydiving in Paris. Here is a diagram.

 I am very sharp and VIAGRA and CEREBELLUM can be found in most places of the world that have SEX and the ability to purchase THAI BRIDES.

YOU ARE AWESOME


Come back next week, when I will show you how you can recycle your old posts by simply changing the order. I will be showing you how you can take a post on the subject of Brain surgery and turn it into an article on Knitting.

YOU ARE AWESOME!


by Guest Blogger Paul o'Shit , SEO Bollocker for Clog the Internet PLC.