Friday, 21 September 2012

Dear Prime Minister

Dear Prime Minister,

Regarding the issue of the misuse of Foreign Office resources by British tourists, I have personally overseen an enquiry into the matter and write to inform you of the findings.

I was under the impression that British tourists all fell from the same apple cart, but through the course of this enquiry several distinct groups have been identified as below, along with my recommendations.

The first of these groups is made up of mainly females in the early fifties to late sixties, whom when they arrive in a foreign land will bemoan the fact that the sun is too hot, complaining to anyone within ear shot. This is normally followed by their first experience of the beach, bemoaning that the sand is not level. We have categorised them as Afraid of Sun and Sand, or ASS for short.

I recommend that the Foreign Office be authorised to immediately fly in a special tent fitted with a level laminated floor, to be kept at a constant temperature of 14C with a cardigan provided and a television showing endless loops of Coronation Street and Eastenders. The ASS will be kept there until their return flight home, thus saving holiday makers at the bar from their moans.

The second group, and a cause of many calls to our embassies are the ones who find the toilets in their guest country not up to their satisfaction. I have categorised these as Tourist in Toilet Situation or TITS for short.

I recommend that the Foreign Office be authorised to immediately fly in a special tent fitted with an A standard british W.C. along with copies of the Sun and Daily Mail Newspapers. If the comedian Jimmy Carr learns to hide his taxes properly, I suggest he records an infomercial to be played in the tent, showing how such situations can be turned into amusing anecdotes.

The third group is mainly harmless, but is another drain of our switchboards is the Brit Understanding the Menu Situation or BUMS for short.

I recommend that the Foreign Office be authorised to immediately fly in by helicopter  a special tent with a Little Chef on hand to cook Egg, Chips and Ham for the distressed, whilst in the background a television plays reruns of episodes of Fawlty Towers.

The fourth group are not so much in themselves a trouble to our resources, but more with whom they come into contact - mainly angry hoteliers and restaurateurs. They are the ones who believe that as they are on holiday, their parental duties are also on holiday and allow their offspring to run riot.  We have labeled this as Completely Out of Control Kids Situation or COCKS for short.

I recommend that the foreign office be authorised to fly in a special tent where the offending parent will be forced into a clown costume and drugged like in that film you and watched over at Cleggs’ last week - the one with Gerald Butler in , where he is about to chop up the bad guy.

Once the offender has been drugged, as many COCKs as we can find can then be put into the tent, until the offender is reduced to a babbling wreck. A video from Jeremy Paxman could then be played, for God knows he is very good at pointing out when we don’t know what we are doing.

The next is a plague that has diseased us British for years, and that is the tourist who refuses to even pick up even the most basic of phrases in a language and insists that they can be made to be understood by raising their voice and making large circular motion with their hands. Brit Afraid of Learning Language Situation or BALLS For short.

Well, obviously the solution is within education but let’s not open that can of worms while we are in power. Instead I recommend the Foreign Office be authorised to fly out another special tent by helicopter. In the tent, a tracksuit will be provided and a video will play featuring Richard O’Brien (can we get him back on the tele? Perhaps offering him a knighthood or something?) informing them that they have three minutes to master the words “Please” and “Thankyou” in their hosts’ languages and the chance to win a crystal. If they fail, they will be locked in the tent until their flight home.

Another disease of the British is the tourist who feels it is their right and duty to shout at the top of their voice , how superior the British are (If only they could see how we run things here!)  and point out how inferior their hosts and host country are normally accompanied by four letter blurts. Tourist With Arrogant Tourette Situation or TWATS For short.

I recommend the Foreign office be authorised to immediately fly in a special tent fitted with a television playing a video by Stephen Fry informing them that the Daily Mail and Metro newspapers are not peer reviewed journals and his show QI is for entertainment purposes and is not a substitute for a proper education. He could then calm  the subject by telling an amusing story of some of our failures - not our recent ones I might add, more along the lines of Charge of the Light Brigade sort of thing (which reminds me, when is Boris’s next Risk night?)

To support the deployment of said helicopters, I suggest funds be put aside to set up one global dedicated support line with the number 444 + 4444 to be known as Brit In Trouble Calling Home In Need or BITCHIN For short.

BITCHIN should be sufficiently financed to deal with as many ASSes, BUMs, TITS, COCKs, BALLS and TWATS that are thrown their way.

Yours sincerely,

The Rt.Hon William Hague

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