Friday, 24 December 2010

Merry F*cking Christmas

WARNING! If you think you might find a story entitled Merry F*cking Christmas offensive, then please stop reading here.

1 AM

“Merry Fucking Christmas!” screamed the dwarf as he pulled out from under his rain coat a Remington 31 shotgun. The Elves made a dive for cover but it was to late for Erika and Klaus whose guts were then peppered onto the outside walls of the workshop.

As the dwarf reloaded, Pips tried to make a run to the back of the sleigh, but sadly he was not quick enough - with one shot, the dwarf blasted his brains to soup.

The four remaining Elves, paralysed with fear, watched open-mouthed as the dwarf then clambered onto the front of the sleigh and called over to his  accomplice

“Come on Goebbels “

From behind a Christmas tree, another dwarf appeared and replied

“Ya Hitler”, before racing over to join Hitler on the sleigh. As they took off, Goebbels pulled out a Bren machine gun and let off a full magazine into the remaining elves - none survived

2 AM

Baby Jesus had been looking forward to this cigar all year. It was a Romeo y Julietta Churchill and something he always treated himself to at Christmas.  He carefully guillotined the end and went to reach for the matches.


The walls around Baby Jesus splintered and one of the rounds turned his treasured cigar into dust. Then, through a hole in the wall, Hitler peeked and pointed his shotgun directly at the saviour  

“Nighty Night” said Hitler before pulling the trigger and blasting the son of god into the kingdom of heaven.

3 AM

Santa stared at the pools of blood that surrounded his workshop. He had feared this day for a long time. An old women called Ethel had predicted on the day of Santa's birth,  that one day two dwarfs named Hitler and Goebbels would murder all the elves, steal his sleigh and then wreck havoc on Christmas eve- including the murder of Baby Jesus. - Thank god Santa was prepared!

With time of the essence, Santa wasted no time going into his workshop. Concentrate, he said to himself as he went up to the balcony, where a large iron pole was waiting. He pulled up the back of his shirt and ran backwards into the pole. It took a couple of attempts, but finding the right momentum, he manage to get it to break the skin. Now the hard part, He knew for his plan to work he musn’t pass out from the pain. With great gusto he began to push the pole further into his back and upwards along his spine.

4 AM

Hitler and Goebbels had parked the seligh on the roof of the Rockefeller centre as they had a pressing matter to deal with. It was Goebbels who had in fact noticed first that Rudolf appeared to be circumcised , that would never do. He dragged Rudolf to the back of the sleigh and then pro ceded to tie Rudolf by his penis to one of the running boards.  With Rudolf tied, they soon set off again, with a somewhat bumpy take off.


The Metamorphosis, as painful as it was,was now complete. Santa was no longer santa, but rather MECHANOID-CLAUS !!


Hitler and Goebbles had got bored of flying around, especially as the blood from Rudolph’s corpse had got on their nice clean clothes, so instead they sat in central park, taking pot shots at .. well anyone who walked by. The tally so far was 23 to Hitler, 18 to Goebbels

As Hitler was about to take aim on a 63 year old women who was feeding the pigeons. MECHANOID-CLAUS Appeared

Goebbels dived for his bren machine gun and began to fire wildly at Mechanoid-claus - he cursed as the bullets bounced off, before starting to cry like a little girl as Mechanoid-claus picked him up and squeezed him till his ribs cracked and pierced his lungs.

HItler tried to run, but Mechanoid-claus manage to grab hold of his neck. He threw Hitler face down to the ground and then pulled down Hitlers Short.

“You’ve been a very naughty boy “ Said Mechanoid-claus as he pro-ceded to unzip his fly …

12 AM Xmas Evening

Santa pulled out of Miss Claus and wiped himself with a towel.  

“I do enjoy these games of ours “ he said before putting on his red trousers and heading off to deliver all the presents to the boys and girls

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